Friday, December 30, 2005

not my night for cards again

Played in two tourneys and got close to the money in each of them and was rudely bounced. In the first, I held pocket kings, flop comes Q9x and a dude moved in on it. I called; he had king-ten and hit the jack on the turn for a straight.

In the other, I had tens and a dude moved in with A7 suited. I called, and he caught an ace on the river.

So I am playing well - each of those hands would have left me as chip leader within two or three spots of the money - just didn't have any results at all tonight.

Katie and I hooked up our karaoke machine that we got tonight. I need to find some songs she knows well so that she can keep up. We have some Disney songs, but they just move too quick for her. It is fun for me - I have always liked "Kiss the Girl" from Little Mermaid and "I won't say I'm in love" from Hercules, and both of those songs are on disks we have. So is "Whole New World" from Aladdin and "Part of Their World" from Little Mermaid and "Hakuna Matata" from Lion King. All fun for me, but she just doesn't know the songs well enough.

I am thinking about getting the Great Big DVD because not only does it have a GBS concert on it, but it has the only three karaoke tracks of GBS songs made thus far. And how can there not be a compilation of Harry Chapin songs on karaoke disks? It is an outrage. But I do have a disk of James Taylor songs on the way, though it doesn't have anything from his last two original albums - October Road and Hourglass. I would really love to have September Grass, October Road, Gotta Spend a Little More Time, Jump Up Beside Me, and Boatman.

And Katie has specifically requested we get her Blue Bayou to sing by Linda Rondstadt. No, this is not your ordinary five year old ......

Heal Me

Ain’t it crazy
For a moment there
This felt just like dying
But now I see that something inside
Is coming alive
Ain’t it crazy
No use running from a revolution
I just surrender to this evolution

Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
Amazing grace
Has touched my face
And the sweet sound doesn’t lie

Ain’t it crazy
For a moment thereI just gave up trying
But now I see
You can let the light in
You can begin again
Ain’t it crazy
I lay me down in this sweet perfection
I am a witness to my resurrection

Heal me lift me
Take me to the waterside
Drop me in let me swim
Let everyone know
I’ll be coming home again

Make no mistake
I’m wide-awake
Ain’t it crazy
Heal me lift me
Take me to the other side
I’ll take what I’ve earned
These lessons I’ve learned
I’m ready for the ride

Heal me lift me
Take me and my soul will fly
My battered heart will make a new start
Let everyone knowI’ll be coming home again

Heal me lift me
Take me to the waterside
Drop me in
Come on and watch me swim
Let everyone knowI’ll be coming home again

Something Beautiful

Hey You, you lost your only friend
You can't believe you're broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces that'd make you want to stop
On this so unwelcome journey from the bottom to the top.

chorus
Move along
I believe there's Something Beautiful to see
Move along
I believe there's Something Beautiful
Just waiting for you and me

I know you'll never count the tears you've cried
Though you’ve asked a million questions
No one could tell you why
A single soul is chosen to be the one put to the test
But there will be some consolation for a heart that never rests

chorus

The years will make us older
The winters make us colder
And there's one more thing I've come to know for sure
There's no bitterness that smolders, no chip on any shoulder
That a random act of kindness couldn't cure

Hey You, you lost your only friend
You can't believe you're broken heart will ever mend
But every mountain has its faces that'd make you want to stop
On this so neverending journey from the bottom to the top.


Three wonderful songs for the widow on one album; Something Beautiful (2004) by Great Big Sea. This is the best album from a wonderful band.

Let It Go

Hey man, you don't know what you're missing
You count your curses and forget about the blessings
Don't you think you should learn a little lesson
What are you waiting for?

Hey man, what makes you so special
Can't seem to find the angels for the devils
Don't you think that if you learned to love a little
You'd live a whole lot more

Chorus
Let it Go Let it Go
This is smaller than you know
No bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road
Let it Go Let it Go
Got to leave it all behind you
Give the sun a chance to find you
Let it Go
Lift you head, there's no time for crying
You made your bed but don't think its fit to lie in
Wasted on the ground when you know you should be flying
What are you waiting for?

chorus

Bridge
How can a man not see
It seems so clear to me
You've just got to live and learn
Smile at the simple stuff
This road ain't long enough
To miss a single turn

Shines Right Through

These days I feel a change, All the patterns rearranged
Though I can't explain, I know I’m not afraid
Now I realize all good things can be supplied
And they come from you

Chorus
It's all brand new, and it shines right through
Shines Right Through Me
I look at you and you, and it shines right through
Shines Right Through Me

This feeling that I've found, like sleeping on a cloud
Smiling at the sky, Not even knowing why
Strange how things work out, I know without a doubt
That it comes from you

chorus

Break me out of emptiness, Lead me to your light
Anything worth having is worth some sacrifice
Laid too long in lonliness, This world was made to change
Half an hour of sunshine is worth a week of rain

Air is flowing free, it's a little easier to breathe
This soul unbound, was lost and found
No reason left to hide, I feel a light inside and it comes from you

chorus

I made it through another anniversary

Since it is the wee hours of the morning now, I have made it through another wedding anniversary. I had a heavy heart all day today, but it was much better than last year. I have gotten pretty good at knowing what I need for these days. I went in to work this morning, and yesterday I made sure I saved myself some brainless work to do today. Filing and that kind of thing. Stuff that I could do while thinking and crying. And then I took my Ipod into the sanctuary and played some of my favorite songs that relate to Becky. "I Can Love You" by Gary Allan, "I Would Have Loved You Anyway" by Trisha Yearwood, a healthy dosage of Melissa Etheridge, especially at the end.

I have been trying to find in the Bible the story of Absalom dying. He is David's son who rebels, and upon his death, David is overcome with grief, and covers himself with ashes and is prostrate. And then after a time, he got up, washed his face, and began to live. And I have my face-washing songs, too. Especially "Heal Me" by Melissa, and "My Back Door." And then a couple of Great Big Sea songs, "Let it Go" and "Shines Right Through Me." That is how I wash my face, I guess. Sitting in the church by the big stained glass window that quotes the psalm: He leadeth me beside still waters. Singing for a half hour to my Ipod.

Then I went and had a late lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse. That is where Becky and I had our first date, though our table from that day was taken, sadly. It is also where we went for lunch the day after we married. I left the heels of the sourdough loaf uneaten as a tribute to her - that is a story some know and others don't. Maybe I will tell it here sometime. And I asked the waitress about whether it was the clam sauce or the seafood sauce they had the way Becky did everytime we went. I think our first date was the last time before they changed the menu, but everytime we went there she asked about the clam sauce. And so after discussing the seafood sauce for a couple of minutes, the waitress was confused that I then just ordered chicken parmigiana, but I am sure she has gotten over it by now.

And then I spent about ninety minutes this afternoon walking around at Trinity and the Oblate Seminary downtown. They have such wonderful grounds for walking, and the day was wonderful for that, just as it was eight years ago. It is supposed to cool off here by the weekend, but today was perfect for short sleeves and jeans, though after walking a while I was wishing I had shorts on. Last year, I spent the whole time in the church at Trinity, but this year I was bored there, and so I walked through the grounds, largely empty since it is Christmas break. And then went over to the seminary and spent some time at the grotto.

It was a day I spent with Becky so far as that is possible now. I had a nice moment waking up this morning, spent a minute in that place between being asleep and awake, and it was as if I could trace her body with my fingertips, and smell here lying there beside me. That is the only time I sense her that closely, and never for more than a moment until I am awake. I wish sometimes I could prolong that moment, and yet then I would just spend my day in bed half asleep. But just sometimes it would be nice to be able to carry than tangible presence of her with me throughout my day. But I can't, so I accept the blessing when I get it in the morning.

I don't know that I remember life at all before there was Katie. I certainly don't before there was Becky. And December 29, 1997, is the day we married and Katie became a possibility. So I want to try to make the anniversary into a family celebration, but I just wasn't up for that yet. I wasn't ready to pull out the wedding photos and talk to Katie about all of that. Maybe next year.

another delightful read

I have finished the first hundred pages or so of "The Impossible Will Take a Little While" and I have very much enjoyed it so far. It is a compilation of essays, and so the styles and content are disparate. But the theme that weaves through it all is one of hope and action. I am struck over and over how a community of like-minded people is so important to support one another, and I am struck at how the chain links together.

Back in college, I worked with a program for middle school kids - especially girls and minorities - hoping to foster a love of math and science. And we watched this dorky series called Connections by James Burke if I remember correctly. It seems like there were ten episodes or so of this series. And in the first nine, he talked about the development of different inventions. How the princess in France getting sick caused this guy to think about that, and the shortage of ivory for billiard balls forced this guy to think about something else, and then another guy brings it all together, and voila, you have radar. The last episode took those nine inventions and showed how each was essential to the development of the space shuttle.

Anyway, that was a scientific exploration, and this book is personal. Rosa Parks didn't just get tired one day and decide not to move to the back of the bus. She was active in the local NAACP, had attended meetings and seminars with people who spoke about nonviolent resistance. It seems like such an amazing thing she touched off, and it was, but to focus one that one moment separate from the millions of moments that preceded it takes it out of context.

Anyway, I am just rambling now. It is quite an entertaining read so far.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

a first!

Our music minister and his wife had their first baby Christmas Day, and Joe was in the office for the first time for a little while today. Wife Sarah and baby Ellie are doing just fine, her having arrived on the very day predicted by the doctors months ago. The accountant in me is glad she was born before the year ended; that saved them thousands.

It was interesting talking to Joe and the crowd of well-wishers around him this afternoon because this is the first time someone close to me having a baby was not bittersweet. I was able to participate in the joy and excitedment unfettered by the disappointment I have that Becky and I didn't get to have another child or more.

We had decided to have another baby the month before she was diagnosed with cancer, with a "target" birthdate of Christmas 2003. (Of course, our "target birthdate for Katie was June 17, 2000, set over a year in advance, somewhat jokingly. That day was the day after the first summer school session ended at FSU, so Becky could teach summer school, and then have nine weeks off before the fall classes started. Katie's birthday is June 24, 2000. So we might have hit it closer than you think.) And since that time, the parade of cousins getting pregnant just hurt. I still have little relationship with any of my cousin's children born since that time.

But today was different, and I am thankful for it. I cannot imagine a better couple to be blessed with a baby than Joe and Sarah.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

my Christmas message

Katie and I are lighting the advent wreath and I am speaking to the church on the topic of "Perfect Moments," and this is roughly what I plan to say, a mental rehearsal, so to speak.

There is this simple little sentence in the middle of the chapter of Luke that we just read: "And Mary kept all these things, reflecting on them in her heart." It is rather surprising to me, because this could not have been an easy day for Mary. She is nine months pregnant, which isn't especially comfortable, and been riding a donkey all day, which isn't comfortable under the best of circumstances. She is in a town that likely as not she had never seen before, with none of the women in her family who would normally help with the delivery of a baby. And to top it off, she doesn't even get a bed but a smelly barn. I have always accepted the Catholic tradition that Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters, not from any theological perspective but just from common sense: having been through a day like this, what woman would ever let a man touch her again? And yet, in the middle of this very trying day, she has this perfect moment, and she kept it and reflected on it in her heart.

I have an embroidery that hangs in our living room that Becky made for our wedding. It says, "Today we dedicate that we will walk together, live together, listen, learn together, and that our uppermost thought will be to be together." I think it is natural after the death of someone close to us, that we question every decision we ever made, and that embroidery has been a challenge to me in the time since Becky died. I have questioned all of the little decision - the times I was out playing cards or tennis with the guys. But I have also questioned how together we were as she battled cancer. We could not be together under the surgeon's knife; I did not have the bags of chemo pumped into my arms; I could not share the horrific fear that she would not get to see her little girl grow up the way she wanted.

And yet it is in the middle of the battle against cancer that came the perfect moment that sustains me even now. It was in February 2004, the day after she received what ended up being her last chemo treatment. She went in to teach her classes that morning, and I brought her lunch. The day after chemo was always the worst, and the only thing she could keep down on those days was a grilled chicken sandwich from Wendy's, no honey mustard. And as I brought her lunch, she looked weaker than she ever had or ever would. Her shoulders were slumped, and her eyes were glazed, and she looked so frail and tired. I closed the door behind me because I didn't want her students or fellow professors to see how bad she looked.

About halfway through our lunch, there was a knock at the door. I went to get it, and it was one of her students with questions about her homework. And as I closed the door again and turned, a whole new woman was sitting behind Becky's desk. Her shoulders were erect again and her eyes bright, and she smiled and spent ten or fifteen minutes answering her questions, teaching, doing exactly what she loved to do. Eventually the student left, and I closed the door, and turned around to see the weak version had returned.

You see, Becky always had an extra reserve of strength, and she used it for her students, and especially for Katie, but my perfect moment is that she never had to use it with me. We were never separated by choice but only ever by circumstance. That is true even now. That moment has allowed me to put aside all of those questions and helped me to understand that I was not just the husband she had, I was the husband she needed and the husband she wanted and the husband she loved. I have eleven years of memories with Becky, the best and the worst memories of my life and everything in between - that is what marriage is - but the one that I relfect on in my heart more than any other is this one, and it has sustained me through the deepest places of my grief.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

roadie!

I am toying with the idea of taking a road trip to Vermont in April to see a Great Big Sea concert. I wouldn't travel that far just for a concert, but it would also be a chance to spend a weekend with one of my favorite people in the whole world, who, freakily enough, I have only met once. So here is hoping it all comes together.

Friday, December 16, 2005

A can't miss Christmas present for me

Anyone still trying to figure out what to get me needs to swing by the official site of Great Big Sea to see that they have released a new album called the Hard and the Easy.

http://www.greatbigsea.com/themusic/thte.html

I'm just saying .......

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

more about Everwood

I am now about 80% of the way through season two, and I just watched the episode where the town finds out that Dr. Linda has HIV, causing her to leave the practice, Ephraim to question Andy and express his fear, and ultimately Andy and Linda breaking up.

I remember watching this in 2003, and it is amazing how different my response is to it now compared to two years ago. I watched this while Becky was alive, and I didn't relate to the widower portion of the story yet. I saw a couple in love give up. I was so angry then because we were battling cancer and it was the most meaningful time of our love affair. If cancer brought us closer than we had ever been, why would they give up?

My response to this all is softer now. I guess I relate to being a single parent now and the fear that comes with that. I have to respect the fear for his own safety more. I would have risked anything to save Becky's life; now that she is gone, I must take my own health all the more seriously.

But more importantly, I have come to realize that in this stage of life, as parents, into our careers and so forth, it just isn't as easy as the last time I was single back in college. If I have been in love since Becky died, it was with Alisa, who I dated last summer and fall for a couple of months. It was a wonderful relationship, and ended beautifully too. Before dating her, I would have thought that just love would be enough. And I discovered with her that the challenges of careers and children and my grief journey and money and all of these things were more than we could manage despite the fact that I do believe that we did love each other.

And so I took it easier on Andy and Linda tonight. Probably more than anything it was Linda jumping ship to join Desperate Housewives that caused this plot shift. What a terrible career move that will turn out to be. But I can understand their reticence better now than I could when the episode first aired a couple of years ago.

Have I mentioned what a wonderful show this is?

Monday, December 12, 2005

good church today

The service was really inspiring this week. It was good to see Deno again - my old classmate - two weeks ago. She has been coming to church with me the last six weeks or so, but we had missed the last couple of weeks because she was at a wedding one week and I was doing other stuff Thanksgiving weekend.

But the message was about healing, taken from Isaiah 61:1-3. This is also the text with which Jesus announces his ministry in Nazareth according to Matthew, which almost leads to him getting lynched by a mob.

And the message Karen had for us this morning hit me very well: healing does not always happen in the way we expect it to happen. And we don't like that very much. I don't know if Becky was healed. She certainly wasn't physically, and the end, though it was to cancer, came very quickly. I hope that she did find healing in this life; I have certainly sensed her pain released since her death. I remember even being in the hospital minutes after she died, and I took deep breaths, the kind she couldn't take in the months leading up to her death, and I felt her released from that bondage. And I got a message from a friend in Iowa, who, granted did more drugs in the seventies than I would care to know about, had a vision of Becky to communicate to me, and it was a vision of healing.

It is certainly not the healing we wanted.

A year ago, I would have thought that the only way I could be healed would be to have another wife. A year later, I know I am in no place to have a relationship that is headed in that direction. I enjoy dating, and it is nice to get to spend time with a woman and flirt and stuff. But the healing I have received is not the healing I wanted, but in greater communion with Katie and ultimately in greater satisfaction with myself. I do hope that someday this leads to another wife and maybe even more children. But that someday is farther away than I would have been willing to admit a few months ago.

Healing will happen, just not exactly the way we expect it. That thought has been with me all day.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Everwood

I have been watching the second season of Everwood for the last week or so, and I am just at the point where Andy is exploring dating Linda. Throughout the first season, I just assumed that Andy and Nina would be the love story of the second year, but that didn't pan out. I could only tape the third season because of what my teaching schedule was at the time, so this is about as far as I have been in watching the episodes.

It is hard to watch. This was Becky's favorite show the last two years of her life. Because it deals with a widower, it hit especially close to home then and it hits close to home now. We talked about the episode I just watched for hours - the Abbott family is falling apart and they had a gigantic fight. She sympathized with Rose and I with Harold, and we argued almost like it was us. I learned a lot about the way I want to parent from the discussions we had after these shows.

And yet the stuff that is the most thought provoking now is stuff we never talked about at all. In this last episode, a widow has remarried but had promised her first husband she would use his frozen sperm to have a baby, and while her new husband initially agreed to it, he finds he cannot go through with it. Ultimately she must choose between the new husband and the old husband, and she comes to realize that she must break the promise she made to her late husband. It speaks to the first thing I think every widow needs to know: there is no decision made on that side of the abyss that cannot be remade on this side. Until the moment of death, it is unfathomable what life would be like without the other. All of the discussions Becky and I had were wonderful, but it is my judgment and mine alone (with the help of those from whom I seek it) that matters now. Letting go is not the same as forgetting.

Andy is just shy of two years being widowed at this point in the series, which is reasonably close to where I am in real life, and I continue to be amazed at how authentic to my experience this show is. If you haven't seen it, this really is an amazing show.

Sojourners

This may be the best magazine going in the world today, and it saddens me that I hadn't heard of it until the last few months. This was an article that spoke to me deeply today:


Advent in Iraq, Rush Limbaugh, and realityby Ryan Beiler

»Pray for the release of these activists and for all people - Iraq and foreign, victim and perpetrator - in this conflict.
In August this year I began considering participation in a Christian Peacemaker Teams delegation to Iraq in November. With much prayer by friends and family, I began my discernment process, weighing the obvious risks. In Colombia I had traveled through territory controlled by guerillas with a penchant for kidnapping. In Gaza I had fled from warning shots fired by Israeli soldiers. But I had never walked in solidarity with people whose land had been invaded and occupied by my own nation's military. I struggled with the notion expressed by kidnapped peacemaker Norman Kember, the heart of the CPT mission: am I willing to take the same risks for peace that those in the military take for war?

As weeks passed, circumstances and logistics dictated my choice not to go. The November delegation had filled up before I could join. And even before Kember, and fellow team members Harmeet Sooden, Jim Loney, and Tom Fox were taken hostage on Nov. 26, I had been told that my primary reason for going - photojournalism - would not be worthwhile because of the team's own security precautions.

Tomorrow is the day that the so-called Swords of Righteousness Brigade have set for the peacemakers' execution if U.S. forces do not release all detainees held in Iraq. So today, with a vague sense of survivor's guilt, I reflect on the impending miracle or tragedy of these men's lives.

Their survival would be a miracle. And yet, statements of support from the likes of Hamas and cleric Abu Qatada, a suspected al Qaeda terrorist imprisoned in the U.K., are already miraculous. Our enemies - by any conventional definition - have appealed for the release of our friends. The cynic will say that support from such quarters merely confirms that CPT must be as anti-American as the terrorists. But hints of parable permeate: The Samaritan, a despised foreigner and outcast to Jesus' audience, disregards religious and ethnic division to aid one in need, while countrymen preoccupied with their own purity pass by.

Indeed, Rush Limbaugh is glad these "leftist feel-good hand-wringers" are being "shown reality." To follow his version of the parable, they'd never have fallen among thieves if they hadn't been walking on the road to Jericho in the first place. His reference to reality is intriguing, coming in support of an administration now widely regarded as out of touch with the reality in Iraq. Promises that we would be greeted as liberators, that Iraq would pay for its own invasion with oil revenue, that we knew where the weapons of mass destruction were, that only a few troops would be needed - all evaporated in the face of a reality that the likes of Limbaugh can only imagine, while the men and women of the armed forces, CPT members, and the people of Iraq experience its horror on a daily basis.

Hawks are always eager to chide doves that though war is hell, it's the only realistic course to security. But frankly, their reality is terrible. While the body count in Iraq surpasses 10 times that of Sept. 11 (I will not here discriminate between theirs and ours), this week the 9/11 Commission has issued a report card filled with Ds and Fs - evidence that while our military misadventures overseas have exacted billions of dollars and tens of thousands of lives, measures at home that could truly make us safer have been neglected. Katrina is merely one case in point.
Jesus warned us, "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves" (Matthew 7:15). Watching file footage of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz, and hearing their hollow promises followed by claims of "mission accomplished" - one is not sure whether to laugh at the absurdity or cry at the resulting tragedies such as Abu Ghraib. "A few bad apples," we were told. "You will know them by their fruits," Jesus said (v. 16).

But in stark contrast with neo-con messiah complex fantasies, Tom Fox had no illusions about the dangers he would face in Iraq. "I am to stand firm against the kidnapper as I am to stand firm against the soldier," he wrote more than a year ago. "Does that mean I walk into a raging battle to confront the soldiers? Does that mean I walk the streets of Baghdad with a sign saying ‘American for the Taking?' No to both counts. But if Jesus and Gandhi are right, then I am asked to risk my life, and if I lose it to be as forgiving as they were when murdered by the forces of Satan."

Far from "feel-good hand-wringers," these men knew the difference between good and evil, and that living out Christ's call is costly. They were so in touch with reality that officials preferred to ignore that they denounced abuses at Abu Ghraib long before the photographs came out - before anyone was listening.

I could denounce the Swords of Righteousness Brigade for threatening to kill the people who have defended the very detainees they demand be released, but that doesn't seem productive at this moment. Instead, I stand astonished as other Muslims - militants, politicians, and religious leaders - defend these captive Christians, and Jesus' upside-down kingdom glimmers. CPT's risky Christianity, broadcast by al Jazeera, has done more to promote mutual understanding and goodwill than any ham-handed tour by Karen Hughes, the U.S. State Department's head public relations envoy.

This week's advent theme is promise - the promise that a true and trustworthy savior is coming. We are called to cast aside false prophets and anticipate a messiah who was willing to become vulnerable, to enter dangerous territory, to put his life in the hands of those who couldn't tell enemies from neighbors, and taught us to love them all. 1 John 2:17 tells us, "Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." If this seems unrealistic, we now have four more witnesses to the contrary. While in a spirit of Advent anticipation we wait and pray that tomorrow will bring a new promise of life, I am confident that as they walk in his steps, the Christ who defeated death will work more miracles regardless of grim realities.

Ryan Beiler is web editor for Sojourners.


Subscribe to this magazine. It is thoughtful, spiritual, and political while maintaining a voice independent of the political parties, so rare in this day.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I do not like my bank

I guess I am going to switch banks. I have been thinking about it for a while now, and I am just sick of them.

I have a long history of being unhappy with Bank One, now bought out by Chase bank. The main thing happened over a year ago when a guy was a complete jackass when I went to deposit the life insurance check when it finally came after several months of "investigating."

Now I go to my online page and find out that I have a credit card with this bank. A credit card I never applied for, never wanted, none of that. I hate the audacity of these people. If I needed another credit card, which I do not, thank you kindly, I would have investigated my options. Lord knows enough applications get thrown into the trash each week; I would just open my mail for a week.

How do they have the authority to do this?

It is a stupid thing to get steamed about, I guess. But I am steamed anyway. I would have left them fifteen months ago except for inertia. It is such a pain in the butt to get all of the automatic stuff transferred from one account to another.

Grrrrrrrr.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

sheesh

Katie, my dad, and I went to a delightful play on Sunday at the Magik theatre here in San Antonio. It was a very strange but funny interpretation of the poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Katie had a ball.

The event was sponsored by Radiology Associates of San Antonio, and all of the tickets were given to friends and clients and so on of the firm. My mom is the business manager of a doctor's office, and so she got tickets to go to this. And it was cool, members of the marketing team greeted us, and there was ice cream for everyone and pictures with Santa.

As we were sitting in our seats waiting for the show to begin, they were running slides advertising all the cool things they do at Radiology Associates. CT scans and PET scans and nuclear medicine, all with shots, oddly enough, of lung tumors in the right lung. They weren't Becky's scans - these all had the tumor in the upper lobe where hers started in the bottom two lobes of the right lung. But we just sat there watching slide after slide of lung cancer run by.

Just the thing I needed to get into the holiday spirit.

Monday, December 05, 2005

a wonderful essay on the Vatican teaching about gay priests

I came across this link reading Andrew Sullivan, and this will take a while to read, but it is worth it.

http://www.jamesalison.co.uk/texts/eng23.html

Friday, December 02, 2005

Congress investigating the BCS

I read tonight on ESPN.com that Congress is investigating the way schools are chosen to determine the national championship in college football. The BCS has been in existence for about ten years, probably not quite that long, and a combination of polls, computer rankings, and astrology readings are put together to determine the matchups to the four biggest college bowl games each year. Furthermore, whoever ends up ranked by their system 1 and 2 gets to go to the championship game.

Now there are plenty of flaws with this system. This year it has worked well, since there are two deserving teams and two slots in the championship game. But if there is only one, or if there is more than two, then the system leads to great debate. As it did last year, when an undefeated Auburn team was left out of the championship game so that the two other major unbeatens could play. My personal favorite was two years ago, when a series of unlikely outcomes conspired so that the team ranked number one in both major human polls - USC - was ranked third in the BCS and didn't get to play for the national championship, which pitted LSU versus Oklahoma. (And for the record, LSU is the only national champion worth recognizing for that season. All the teams agreed up front that the national champion would be the winner of the national championship game. So all this talk of a potential three-peat for SC is hooey unless they win another fifteen games in a row.)

So do not set me up as a big defender of the BCS. I am certainly not that. The problem is simple - anytime there is not two clear-cut candidates for the championship game - there will be bitching and moaning. And everytime there is not eight clear cut candidates for the four major bowls, there will be further bitching and moaning. Quite frankly, I don't much care about that.

But what on earth is Congress doing investigating this? In less than two weeks, they will likely be adopting a budget which means that more children than ever in our history will be living in poverty, that more children than ever in our history will have no health insurance, in which tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of Americans will be perpetuated. In case nobody else noticed, we are at war. An unjust war, indefensible by Christian standards, but a war nonetheless. We have a Supreme Court with one justice less than it needs. We found out last week that we may have executed a San Antonio man eight years ago innocent of the crimes for which he was convicted. We have an administration that distorted - if not outright lied - about the contents of intelligence information so that we would go to war in the first place.

To me, it seems like Congress has a pretty full plate this month. But they have time to grandstand about the BCS. Now we can all sleep well.

Any Congressperson who so much as shows up to this hearing should be defeated next year for wasting his or her time when there were real issues needing to be debated that could improve the lives of Americans.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Snowy nights and Christmas lights
Icy window panes
Make me wish that we could be
Together again
And the windy winter avenues
Just don't seem the same
And the Christmas carols sound like blues
But the choir is not to blame

But it doesn't have to be that way
What we had should have never have ended
And I'll be dropping by today
We could easily get it together tonight
It's only right

Crowded stores, the corner Santa Claus
Tinseled afternoons
And the sidewalk bands that play their songs
Slightly out of tune
On the windy winter avenues
There walks a lonely man
And if I told you who he is
Well, I think you'd understand


I love Jim Croce music. I wish there was such a southern liberal voice today. Someone who could sing about the Alabama rain and then also talk about peace and civility and non-violence. I could listen to Jim sing all day long. Some days I do.

But the reason I picked this song is just a little holiday blahs today. Thanksgiving was hard on me emotionally - nothing compared to last year, but hard nonetheless. And now we hunker down for six weeks that contain Christmas, our anniversary, New Years, and Becky's birthday.

So today I am feeling a lonely and melancholic. I did order a bunch of Christmas presents today, so the shopping is well underway now. It is not the same as it used to be. Hopefully it is more meaningful. Who knows?

What we had should never have ended.

Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8680556