one of the hardest things

One of the hardest things about dating as a widow is that we are used to being spouses. I was not a perfect husband - far from it - but of all the things I have ever been in my whole life, a husband was the most comfortable. I am naturally expressive and affectionate and trusting and vulnerable. Thank God for the childhood that didn't beat any of that out of me; thank God for Becky who nourished it for the entirety of my adult life.

I think the first mistake I have made in basically all of the relationships that haven't worked is that I tend to start treating them like spouses too quickly. I want to know what she is up to, not because I necessarily want to spend every minute together but just because I am interested in her days. But when I ask, "What are you up to this weekend?" it can put pressure on her, or she thinks I will be disappointed if she can't fit me into her schedule. I still haven't figured out how to balance that line between being interested in her life without the pressure. I guess I could confine those questions simply to the past - what have you been up to? as opposed to what will you be up to? - but that takes so much attention to detail.

I just want to love someone again. I am pretty good at it. I like both of the women I will see today quite a lot, and yet it is depressing having two dates. I guess it is a better depressing than having no dates, which is what most of the summer felt like. So maybe I should be counting my blessings rather than whining.

And now I am getting to work. Updates later if anyone is listening.