Body Theology

I have been reading a delightful book called Body Theology for the last week or so. A friend of mine in my Sunday school class recommended it to me. I have found it fascinating. It is not a particularly recent book, written I think in the early 90's. But I have been trying to come to terms with my own sexuality within a Christian framework that is both true to myself as a sexual individual while at the same time embraces the sort of holiness and discipleship I am seeking.

Part of me just wants to make the proclamation to myself of "No sex until marriage." And yet for all the good reasons I can think of for making such a pledge, I don't think I can. Not just because I am horny as heck, though I am. After church I sat around the picnic table where we had lunch and an Easter egg hunt for the kiddos, and was surrounded by all of these beautiful married women with Coleridge lines and a bit from Matthew 5 or 6 running through my head.

But that is not why. That I think I could overcome with grace. But I know that when sex was taken away from us a few months before Becky died, that our ability to communicate was cramped. It put so much pressure on every other way that we communicated - almost like losing four or five letters of the alphabet and trying to get by without them. Losing that means of communication meant there was more that had to be carried with every word, with every look, with every touch. And that was exhausting to both of us. I didn't miss the sex then the way I miss it now. Then it was inconceivable to be looking for sex in some other fashion; it literally never occured to me. It was just part of the better or worse thing.

We wait so long to get married in this society. I wonder if it is practical or reasonable to think that celibacy until marriage can work again. And yet is that the measure of discipleship? What about the Christian walk is supposed to be practical or reasonable? But why would a couple headed towards marriage castrate their own alphabet? I am not looking to be slutty - it has a certain appeal, no question - but at the same time I want to be honest with myself. Making a proclamation now would be easy since there aren't exactly women lining up and being kicked out of my bedroom.

Anyhow, that is the process that led me to this book, though it is about much more than sexuality. Fundamentally, it is about the unity of personhood. It is easy to think of myself as my mind as separate from my body. But Christianity is in fact at its heart about incarnation, about the Word made flesh. There is no duality, no separation of mind and body, spirit and body. We are all "bodyselves."

One of the things that happened as Becky grew weaker with cancer is that she grew to hate her body. That is something I couldn't do, and I didn't understand that at the time. But I remember as she would be going to bed, I would ask her if there was anything I could get her, and she would reply, "A new body." And that always hurt me, though I didn't show it, because I understood where she was coming from. But I loved that body that had among so many other things brought our little girl into this world.

And yet, when I first got started dating, I had in my mind that I would have loved Becky in any body. What I have come to realize is that there is no way to know that. There is no Becky in this life outside of that body. I have a good friend in a new relationship, and she quoted something he wrote to her in an e-mail and made the comment that she would love him if he were just a brain in a jar. And as I thought about it, I think that is hogwash. I loved Becky's mind and spirit; her gentleness but fierce determination. But those all have to be seen within the context of her holistic person.

The mistake I made when first dating then was completely ignoring attractiveness as a feature. If I would have loved Becky in any body, mightn't I love this woman even though she really doesn't do anything for me? Which lead to a bunch of really lousy dates. (Duh.)

And then the pendulum swung too far to the other side, leading to dates with insipid hot chicks. Bad idea, though at least there is more short-term fun possible.

Online dating is weird, because it is possible to be really good friends with a person before actually meeting. It causes all sorts of problems, I think. Not that they are insoluble, but just so different than when I was doing this the first time. Because attraction can develop over time, but if you already develop this really amazing emotional connection with a person, it puts a lot of pressure on there being a physical attraction basically immediately as well. As opposed to that attraction sort of developing at the same time as the friendship or emotional connection. I don't know that there is an answer to that.

But the question I try to answer now before I meet in person someone I have met online is whether if there is no physical attraction, I would still like to be friends with this person. If I don't think so, then there really is no point to going out. I am not dating just to date. But if the emotional connection is such that this is someone I really value and treasure, then, hey, let's give it a whirl. It is more work this way. It is more disappointing if ultimately there isn't a romantic relationship. But at least I think it gives me a chance to find something meaningful.

I may write more about this book later. But for now, I am going to finish the chapter I am reading and get some sleep.