halfway through season three

This week I started watching season three of Everwood. I quit last year; I just couldn't take it so soon after Becky died. It was our show; we watched it every week. Usually we taped it so that we could watch it again immediately after it ended, and then we would spend the rest of the evening talking about it.

And so after forcing myself through the first couple of episodes, I quit last year. But now I am watching again. And I have a year to make up, and so I have watched about half a season since Christmas.

Delia has her first period in one of these episodes. It is a moment I know will come for me someday, and it makes me so angry. There are going to be moments in Katie's life when only her mother will do, and she won't be there. I guess what hits me the most sitting here tonight is that I can still rage about Becky's death. I don't very much anymore. The first few weeks were full of rage - I remember wanting to bomb Walmart for being open during her funeral. And now I am happier and happier with my life. Katie and I have settled into a comfortable routine, and I love my life, though I am really ready for school to open back up Tuesday.

But the rage is still there. Not so much for me anymore, though I miss being married so very much. I miss the partnership and the teamwork and the conversations that lasted years. I miss having a normal adult sex life. It would be nice to have some idea of when and with whom, for crying out loud.

But the real rage I save for Becky and for Katie.