I made it through another anniversary

Since it is the wee hours of the morning now, I have made it through another wedding anniversary. I had a heavy heart all day today, but it was much better than last year. I have gotten pretty good at knowing what I need for these days. I went in to work this morning, and yesterday I made sure I saved myself some brainless work to do today. Filing and that kind of thing. Stuff that I could do while thinking and crying. And then I took my Ipod into the sanctuary and played some of my favorite songs that relate to Becky. "I Can Love You" by Gary Allan, "I Would Have Loved You Anyway" by Trisha Yearwood, a healthy dosage of Melissa Etheridge, especially at the end.

I have been trying to find in the Bible the story of Absalom dying. He is David's son who rebels, and upon his death, David is overcome with grief, and covers himself with ashes and is prostrate. And then after a time, he got up, washed his face, and began to live. And I have my face-washing songs, too. Especially "Heal Me" by Melissa, and "My Back Door." And then a couple of Great Big Sea songs, "Let it Go" and "Shines Right Through Me." That is how I wash my face, I guess. Sitting in the church by the big stained glass window that quotes the psalm: He leadeth me beside still waters. Singing for a half hour to my Ipod.

Then I went and had a late lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse. That is where Becky and I had our first date, though our table from that day was taken, sadly. It is also where we went for lunch the day after we married. I left the heels of the sourdough loaf uneaten as a tribute to her - that is a story some know and others don't. Maybe I will tell it here sometime. And I asked the waitress about whether it was the clam sauce or the seafood sauce they had the way Becky did everytime we went. I think our first date was the last time before they changed the menu, but everytime we went there she asked about the clam sauce. And so after discussing the seafood sauce for a couple of minutes, the waitress was confused that I then just ordered chicken parmigiana, but I am sure she has gotten over it by now.

And then I spent about ninety minutes this afternoon walking around at Trinity and the Oblate Seminary downtown. They have such wonderful grounds for walking, and the day was wonderful for that, just as it was eight years ago. It is supposed to cool off here by the weekend, but today was perfect for short sleeves and jeans, though after walking a while I was wishing I had shorts on. Last year, I spent the whole time in the church at Trinity, but this year I was bored there, and so I walked through the grounds, largely empty since it is Christmas break. And then went over to the seminary and spent some time at the grotto.

It was a day I spent with Becky so far as that is possible now. I had a nice moment waking up this morning, spent a minute in that place between being asleep and awake, and it was as if I could trace her body with my fingertips, and smell here lying there beside me. That is the only time I sense her that closely, and never for more than a moment until I am awake. I wish sometimes I could prolong that moment, and yet then I would just spend my day in bed half asleep. But just sometimes it would be nice to be able to carry than tangible presence of her with me throughout my day. But I can't, so I accept the blessing when I get it in the morning.

I don't know that I remember life at all before there was Katie. I certainly don't before there was Becky. And December 29, 1997, is the day we married and Katie became a possibility. So I want to try to make the anniversary into a family celebration, but I just wasn't up for that yet. I wasn't ready to pull out the wedding photos and talk to Katie about all of that. Maybe next year.